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Adult jokes

 

The most funniest adult jokesThe most mischievous and funny jokes that you will even come across are the Adult jokes. They are sometimes dirty and so funny that you would prefer to die from laughing. The Adult jokes are mischievous and naughty at the same time. In case you are not 18 yet it is better that you do not read further and return to the page you came from.

 

    • What do gender and the twin towers have in common?
      There used to be two of them, but now people get offended when you joke about them.
    • A guy lies on bed, reads a book. His girlfriend comes from behind and starts clapping on his ass. Guy:
      – What are you doing?
      – Playing percussion.
      – Would you like to play the flute?
    • Why having fun with a prostitute is like a bungee jumping?
      You’re dead, if the rubber breaks.
    • An officer asks a lady, who came with a request for a financial support:
      -What are the names of your six kids?
      – Volfgang, Volfgang, Volfgang, Volfgang, Volfgang and Volfgang.
      – But how do you call them for dinner?
      – Simply, I call only once
      -Volfgang!
      – But what if you want to call only one of them?
      – I call them by their last names.
    • Unexpected sex – is the best thing to wake up, unless you’re in prison…
    • Sex is like a motor racing, the most important rule is not to save money on best quality rubber.
    • Conversation in the immigration office at airport in the US:
      – Your name, Sir.
      – Bakshish Abdul
      – Sex
      – Three times a day…
      – I mean male or female?
      – Doesn’t matter…
    • Wife comes back from the doctor and says to her husband:
      – Honey, I have a sad news – a gynecologist told me not have sex for three weeks…
      Husband:
      – And what the dentist said?
    • Man returns home and screams out loudly:
      – Honey, pack your things, I’ve won million today!
      Wife comes to the wardrobe and asks:
      – What kind of clothes to take with me? Summer or winter?
      Man:
      – All of them and get out of here!
    • I heard they’re naming a new paint coloer after you. It’S called Whore Red. It’s not very bright but it’s Cheap and spreads really easily.
    • To make it stand u wet it. To make it wet, u suck it. To make it stuff, u lick it. To get it in, u push it!
      Damn! Treading a needle at any age is no joke!
    • I feel sorry for the hypnostist I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled ‘FUCK ME’
      What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.
    • Guy 1 What’s wrong bro?
      Guy 2: My GF jacked me off under the dinner table in front of her family.
      Guy 1 Dude that’s awesome
      Guy 2: Ya but table was glass
    • When 3 people have sex, it’s called a threesome.
      when 2 people have sex, it’s called a twosome.
      Now i understand why they call you handsome.
    • Why do women continue to buy men gift, when the two best gift are free? blowjobs and silence
    • I envy guys for gettin to say ‘SUCK MY DICK’ as sort of a ‘fuck you.’ If i shouted ‘LICK MY VAGINA’ I’d have like 47 tongues in my pants.
    • Note to self. When baking for the holidays don’t Google creampies. Google cream pie recipes.
    • ”I wanna fuck you so bad right now.”
      ”what…?”
      ”Damn autocorrect I meant hey.” GOODMORNING
    • There was s safety meeting in work today. They asked me, ‘What steps would you take in the event of a fire?’ ‘Fucking big ones’ was the wrong answer.
    • I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 days, then realized i was masturbating.
    • Men are born between a woman’s legs and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back between them….Why Becuase there’s no place like home.
    • My penis is always like ‘have sex with her’ and I’m like ‘No penis .I just want to cuddle her.’
      …My penis is a dick…
    • I don’t get it. If sperm contains more life than blood then why don’t vampires suck dick?
      Oh wait, i forgot about twilight.

Do you want more funny Adult Jokes?

    • If you like having sex while listening to music – always choose a live album. That way you’ll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes.
    • Taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.
    • Men used to say ‘Why marry the cow when the milk is free’?
      Ladies, these days I think the real questions is: ‘Why take home the whole pig when you want is a bit of sausage’?
    • I just bought condoms and when the cashier asked.. ‘ Do you need an bag?’
      I just said.. No she isn’t that ugly.
    • A woman goes out shopping with her husband and spots a pair of boots she loves.
      The husband says, ‘No chance loves, they’re way too expensive.’
      Later on in bed, the wife is just falling asleep when the husband tries his luck and place his hand on her hip and lower on to her thigh.
      She turns to him and says, ‘I don’t think so mate. If you’re not prepared to shoe the horse then you sure as hell ain’t riding it’.
    • How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
      Two calves, an ass, a beaver, a shitload of hares, 1 camel toe, and a fish nobody can find.
    • A husband exclaims to his wife one day, ‘Your butt is getting really big. It’s bigger than the BBQ grill!’
      Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes hin off. ‘what’s wrong’? he asks. She answers,
      ‘Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?’
    • The teacher asks Timmy ‘why is your cat at school today?’ Timmy says, crying.
      ‘Because i heard daddy say to mu mommy, ‘I’m going to eat that pussy when the kids leave!’ so I’m saving him!’
    • “My teenage daughter came home in a rage.
      ‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’
      I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’
    • My wife wants me to get my coffee at home to save money. If she really wants me to save money she should give me sex at home..
    • During a blind date, as a man and a woman were filling each other in on their pasts, the man said, « A genie once gave me the option of having a longer penis or better memory ».
      « And which did you choose? » the woman asked.
      A man replied « I don’t remember ».
    • Why do men name their penis?
      Because the do not want a stranger to make 95 percent of their decisions.
    • What’s does Donald Trump’s hair and a thong have in common?
      They both barely cover the asshole.
    • Dad: Hey son want to hear a joke?
      Son: Yeah!
      Dad: Pussy.
      Son: I dont get it.
      Dad: Exactly…
    • Are you from Toy Story?
      Because you just gave me a Woody
    • Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, « I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job! » The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, « That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing! »
    • A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. « Where the hell do you think you’re going? » he says. « I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free. »
      The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. « Where do you think you… I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!! »
    • A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, « Damn, I wish I had a flashlight! ». The woman says, « Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes! »
    • Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
    • What do a pizza boy and a gyneocologist have in common?
      They both smell it but they can’t eat it.
    • A childs prayer: Dear God, please send clothes for all those poor ladies on Grandads computer.
    • There is a new Barbie doll on the market – Siamese Twins Barbie …complete with surgical instruments
    • There is a new Barbie doll on the market – Manic-Depressive Barbie …with a set of Oriental throwing knives

We have the funniest, sexy and sassy collection of the Adult jokes that will make you understand what it is like to be an adult. The jokes are strictly for the adults. The moment you will start reading the Adult jokes it would be hard to leave the page. So as you are here enjoy the jokes as much as you can.  

You may also like Bad Jokes, Offensive Jokes, Dirty Jokes or Sex Jokes

 

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