Clean jokes

Clean jokesWe have the best collection of Clean jokes that you will ever come across. There are some funny and savage comments that you can relate and let your friends know that your mother once said the same thing to you. Once you get started with the jokes it would be hard for you to stop because of the fun they will provide. We also have the same category with pictures and you can check them out here.

    • What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
      Virgin Mobile.
    • I poured root beer in a square glass.
      Now I just have beer.
    • What do you call a frenchman wearing sandals?
      Phillipe Phillope.
    • My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.
      I said « 40 »
    • Wife says to her programmer husband, « Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen. »
      Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.
    • What do the movies titanic and the sixth sense have in common.
      Icy dead people.
    • Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
      Bartender says « Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line » Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.
    • Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
      They don’t meet the koalafications
    • Some people think it’s romantic to carve their names on trees in the park while on a date.
      I’m more worried about why they’re bringing a knife on their date.
    • I’ve taken up speed reading. I can read « War and Peace » in twnety second. It’s only three words but it’s a start.
    • I went into a pet shop. I said, « Can I buy a goldfish? « The guy said, « Do you want an aquarium? » I said, « I don’t care what star it is, i just want a goldfish. »
    • What do you call a fake noodle?
      An impasta.
    • What do you call a cow with no legs?
      Ground beef.
    • I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
    • My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
    • My friend says to me: « What rhymes with orange » I said: « no it doesn’t »
    • What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
      A labracadabrador.
    • I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
      It’s shift work.


More Funny clean jokes


    • What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
      Aye matey.
    • Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other « I need you to help me get to the other side! »
      The other guy replies « You are on the other side! »
    • It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
    • I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
    • What did the cowboy say at the German auto show?
      « Audi »
    • What did they give the guy who invented the doorknocker?
      A no-bell prize.
    • What do you call a bear with no teeth?
      A gummy bear.
    • I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
    • I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
      He said « Thanks »
      I said « Don’t mention it »
    • And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.
      But John came fifth and won a toaster.
    • Why did the old man fall in the well?
      Because he couldn’t see that well.
    • Communism jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.
    • People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones.
      But people in Abu Dhabi do!
    • Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and have their shoes.
    • I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
    • A ghost walks into a bar and orders a shot of vodka. The bartender says « Sorry, we don’t serve spirits here. »
    • Two cows are in a field, one says « moooooo! », the other says « that’s what I was going to say. »
    • What is red and bad for your teeth?
      A brick.
    • Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says « I think we got this joke wrong »
    • What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
      Outlaws are wanted.
    • Why did the farmer ride his horse to town?
      It was too heavy to carry!
    • Help Wanted: Telepath; you know where to apply.
    • How did the farmer mend his pants?
      With cabbage patches!
    • What do librarians take with them when they go fishing?
    • What object is king of the classroom?
      The ruler!
    • Why aren’t you doing well in history?
      Because the teacher keeps on asking about things that happened before I was born!
    • Who invented fractions?
      Henry the 1/4th!
    • What did Mason say to Dixon?
      We’ve got to draw the line here!
    • Why did the kid study in the airplane?
      Because he wanted a higher education!
    • How do you get straight A’s?
      By using a ruler!
    • Why did nose not want to go to school?
      He was tired of getting picked on!
    • The man who got electrocuted was unable to give a statement because he was still shocked at the incident.
    • The more things change, the more they stay insane.
    • How do you make a glow worm happy?
      Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
    • A father was at the beach with his children when the 4 year son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
    • How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?
      ‘Pleased to eat you!’
    • Daddy, what happened to him? the son asked.
      He died and went to Heaven, the Dad replied.
      The boy thought a moment and then said, did God throw him back down?
    • What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with sheep?
      A woolly jumper!
    • You know youre old when you take a nap to get ready for bed.
    • Why did the music teacher need a ladder?
      To reach the high notes.
    • What did you learn in school today?
      Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!
    • What happened when the wheel was invented?
      It caused a revolution!
    • What kind of car does a farmer drive?
      A cornvertable!
    • Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?
      Because there were so many knights!
    • How does the barber cut the moon’s hair?
      E-clipse it!
    • Abraham Lincoln had a very hard childhood. He had to walk 8 miles to school every day!
      Well, he should have gotten up earlier and caught the school bus like everyone else!

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