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Jew jokes

Funny Jew JokesHere we have for you some of the funniest Jew jokes. These jokes are not offending anyone because these are some of the amazing habits that Jews have and they have been given a funny twist. Even if you were a Jew you would laugh once you hear the Jew jokes.
The Jew jokes have been so finely delivered that you would love to keep on reading. Here we have some of the funny punch lines and one-liners that allow you to have fun and there is nothing serious in these jokes. If you think you can control your laughter read some of the Jew jokes and then we will see what happens.

 

    • Why don’t jews drink?
      It interferes with their suffering.
    • A man goes into men’s Department Store and says:
      ”This is very fine jacket. How much is it?”
      The salesman says: it’s $500.”
      The man says, ”OK, I’ll take it.”
      The salesman responds: ”Oh a gentitle!”
    • What is the most common disease transmitted by Jewish Mothers?
      Guilt.
    • Why is it so important for the groom at a Jewish wedding to stomp on a wine glass?
      Because it’s the last time he’ll put his foot down.
    • What does a Jewish husban call a waterbed?
      The dead See.
    • If microsoft were Jewish:
      1. Your PC would shut down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
      2. Your ”Start” button would be replaced with a ”Let’s go! I’m not getting any younger!” button.
      3. ABORT would be replaced with ”Stop it already – You’Re killing me! RETRY would be replaced with ”You vant I should try it again?”, and IGNORE would be replaced with ”I didn’t hear that!”
      4. When running ”scandisj”, youu will be prompted with a message ”You vant I should fix this?”
      5. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud ”Oy!!!”.
      6.After your compter dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.
    • I was going to make a Hitler jokes
    • What did the Nazis get after they installed tanning beds in Auschwitz?Concentrated orange Jews.
    • Jesus to the left of me, Moses to the right! Here I am, stuck in the middle of Jews.
    • *How do you make a Jewish Omelette? First you borrow 3 eggs…
    • *Was struggling with my crossword this morning. Clue: Jewish baker Letters: (5,6)A – – – – H – – – – –
    • In response to ze jibes that ve germans haf no humour.Ze fuhrer vas in a restaurant, ze waiter asks do you want wein or juice? Ze fuhrer answers; « Wein. Ze juice have been exterminated! »
    • Why do Jews never get distracted?Because they »ve all been to concentration camp.
    • What »s a Jew »s ultimate dilemma? Free pork.
    • Why is it that, when the Sealed Knot recreate Civil War battles, it »s considered to be enriching historical entertainment and a nice family day out but, when me and a few mates attempt to recreate the holocaust, we all get arrested?
    • What’s the difference between a jew and Santa?
      Santa goes down the chimney!
    • Who is the greatest Jewish cook ever?
      Hitler
    • How much do jews charge for their circumsisions ?
      They dont they just keep the tips.
    • What »s faster than a speeding bullet?
      A Jew with a coupon.
    • Why don’t you ever see jews at reservation-only restaurants? Cause they don’t like to be on lists.
    • A musician was recently strangled to deatg with a pair of headphones. Under the same irony, I just beat a Jew to death with a parking meter.
    • What’s the difference between Jews and jellybeans?
      Jellybeans don’t run the media.
    • How was the Grand Canyon formed?
      A long, long time ago a Jew dropped a nickel down a gopher hole.
    • Two Jews, Morty and Saul, are out one
      afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.
      Saul says to Morty, « So listen, Morty, you
      know I don’t swim so well. »
      Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer
      from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid.
      So Morty begins tugging Saul toward shore.
      After ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally
      about 100 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul,
      « So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone? »
      Saul replies, « Morty, this is a hell of a
      time to be asking for money! »
    • Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
      They never let anyone finish a sentence.
    • Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
      Under the vacuum cleaner.
    • What did they call the new Jewish-Japanese restaurant?
      « So-Sue-Mi. »
    • 5761 Year according to Jewish calendar
      4698 Year according to Chinese calendar
      1063 Total # of years that Jews went without Chinese food
    • What’s the definition of a queer Jew?
      Someone that likes girls more than money.
    • What’s a Jewish Princess’s favorite position?
      Inside A Shopping Center.
    • Why did the Jewish Mother want to be buried near A Shopping Center?
      So her daughter would visit twice a week.
    • Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?
      they never let anyone finish a sentence.
    • What do you call a Jewish man who’s lost 95% of his brain?
      A widower!
    • Why would the Holocaust have failed if the victims were Islamic?Because it would have been impossible to get a Muslim to take a shower.
    • What does a Jew with an erection get when he runs into a wall? A broken nose.
    • The Muslims are forever carrying out terrorist attacks on Israel, because the Jews keep taking over their land and forming their own communities.I recently went to Luton, and realised the Muslims are a bunch of hypocrites.
    • What runs along walls and kills Jews? Gas Pipes.
    • Political correctness gone mad!I »m advertising for a new job at my company and so in the advert I politely put « Muslims and Jews need not apply. » Muslims are generally cool about it, Jews don »t care – it »s just those fuckers from the council who are round straight away threatening me with a court summons for active racial discimination. Stupid, dopey bastards. I »m a pork butcher, for fuck »s sake.
    • Some kid was playing up and being a right twat in Tesco, so his dad gave him a smack, so this German woman comes over and tapped the dad on the shoulder and said « In my country we don »t smack our children », He replied « Well, in our country we don »t gas our jews »
    • Why do Jewish fathers have their sons circumcised?They know Jewish women can »t resist anything with 10% off.
    • What’s the difference between Santa Claus and a Jew?
      Santa Claus goes down the chimney.
    • What’s the object of Jewish football? To get the quarter back
    • What’s the difference between a jew and a car? a car wont die when you give it some gas
    • How was copper wire invented? Two jews fighting over a penny.
    • What does a Jew do after he »s bought a round of drinks? Wake up screaming!
    • How are Jews and women similar?
      Both make good use out of an oven
    • Every living thing on this earth dies alone…
      Except for Jews, they die in piles.
    • How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen Bug?
      You can fit 30. 4 on the seats and 26 in the Ashtray.
    • What’s the difference between a Bris and a Get ?
      With a Get, you’re rid of the whole schmuck!
    • Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
      Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
    • What’s a Jewish American Princess’s favorite position?
      Facing Bloomingdale’s.
    • A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a
      part in the play. She asks, ‘What part is it?’ The boy says,
      ‘I play the part of the Jewish husband.’ The mother scowls and says,
      ‘Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.’
    • Jewish people are the most optimistic people in the world.
      They have some cut off before they even know how big it will get.
    • What do you call ten Jewish women in a basement?
      A whine cellar.
    • Abe’s son arrived home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face.
      ”Dad, you’ll be so proud of me, ”he said, ”I saved a pound by running behing the bus all the way home!”
      ”Oy Vey!” Said Abe. ”You could have run behind a taxi and saved $10.00!
    • What did the Jewish Mother ask her daughter when told she had an affair?
      Who catered it?
    • What is a genius?
      An average student with a Jewish mother.
    • How do Jewish wives prepare their children for supper?
      They put them in the car.
    • Doctor to patient: I have good news and bas news.
      The good news is that you’re not a hypochondriac. The bad news Is… but you’re Jewish?
    • How does moses maes his tea?
      Hebrews it
    • How many Palestinians does it take to change a light bulb? None, they sit in the dark forever and blame the Jews for it.
    • Where do you send Jewish kids with A.D.D.? To concentration camps.
    • Why do Jews watch porn films backwards? They love the bit where the prostitute gives the money back.
    • What did the Jewish paedophile say to the little boy after he got in the car? »Hey, go easy on the sweets. »
    • People who don’t like their beliefs being laughed at shouldn »t have such funny beliefs.

 

More Funny Jokes

 

    • Israel are considering pulling out of the Beijing Olympics due to the smoggy air conditions.The Chinese government says « it »s just harmless mist ».An Israeli spokesman says  » we are not falling for that one again « 
    • How do you get a Jewish girl »s number? Roll up her sleeve.
    • How was copper wire invented?
      Once, two Jews grabbed the same penny…
    • What’s the difference between a jew and a pizza? The pizza doesnt scream when you put it in an oven!
    • What did the little German boy get Christmas?
      G.I Jew and an Easy Bake Oven
    • Why do Jewish fathers have their sons circumcised?
      They know Jewish women can »t resist anything with 10% off.
    • How many jewish sons does it take to change a lightbulb answer: none, i’ll just sit here in the dark, i’m just their mother, why should they worry
    • If you trap a Jew in your attic then kill them, will there be any witnesses?
      No, but check for a diary anyway.
    • What’s the object of Jewish football?
      To get the quarter back.
    • Why is money green?
      Jews pick it before its ripe.
    • Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Pr incess horror movie?
      It’s called ‘Debbie Does Dishes.’
    • When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back,
      she replied, ‘So did my arthritis.’
    • What would you call a bloodthirsty Jew on a rampage?
      Genghis Cohen.
    • What is the difference between a crucifixion and a circumcision?
      In a crucifixion, they throw out the whole Jew.

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