Daily Funny jokes, Tha Jokes

One liner jokes

funny One liner jokesMost of the time the jokes we get to hear are, in the forms of the dialogues. If they get long the fun is lost because most of us cannot understand them and others get bored. So today we have for you the best One liner jokes that will make you laugh hard.
These are the meanest, sassiest and naughty jokes and those who understand how you to be sassy will quickly get the jokes. You can use the One liner jokes in the gathering and make everyone laugh out loud. The list of the One liner jokes available below is the top jokes that you will even come across. So let us get started and we are sure even if you try you cannot stop laughing.

 

    • Secret = something you tell everybody to tell nobody.
    • I like my women like I like my wine… Locked in my cellar.
    • Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism
    • Why don’t you come sit in my lap, and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up.
    • I like the way you look. I even hung your picture from my rearview mirror. It keeps car thieves away.
    • If I wanted to kill myself I’d climb up your ego & jump to your IQ.
    • His teeth are like stars. They come out at night.
    • He started out with nothing… and still has most of it left.
    • His rear end is so fat they still haven’t found the last chair he was sitting on.
    • I don’t care if people do think you’re ugly. I’d still like a picture of you. I want to tape it to my fork to help me lose weight.
    • He isn’t the kind of person to talk about you behind your back. He’ll stab you there, but he’ll never talk about you there.
    • Sure, I’ve seen people like you before, but I had to pay an admission fee.
    • The inept psychic attempted clairvoyance but just couldn’t get intuit.
    • I tinted my hair today. It was the highlight of my day.
    • When the iron was invented there was a press conference.
    • Why did the agricultural presentation go so smoothly? They planted questions.
    • A butcher was trying so hard to be funny, but he just wasn’t making the cut.
    • « Quick operator send an S.O.S! » « How do you spell that? »
    • Buying a cheap mouse could leave you with a squeak and a sad tale.
    • Automatic machines that compete in sculling are rowbots.
    • Power corrupts, especially at the electric company.
    • I practice debating in the mirror but I always come across as one-sided and two-faced.
    • When Emily made pickles she got herself into a real dill-emma.
    • Companies are called Firms because they take firm positions.
    • What do prize fighters do before and after work? Punch in and punch out.
    • The inventor of rope built a very large hempire. Chuck Norris can eat the hole of bagel.
    • I went to an invisible fairground but didn’t think it was very good. I just couldn’t see the attraction.
    • The inventor of the balloon was full of hot air.
    • Old musicians never die, they are just disconcerted.
    • I shouted so loud at the races, I’m now a hoarse whisperer.
    • Sky divers don’t jump, they just fall away.
    • It’s important for a clock salesman not to lose face.
    • My friends call me Mesa because of my big butt.
    • It is better to be late than to arrive ugly!
    • When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn’t talk for a year and a half.
    • What do you say when you are consoling a grammar Nazi? there, their, they’re.
    • Man was asked what he does for a living. He says he is a gift wrapper but he is « presently » unemployed
    • An old friend told me he had a trophy wife. After seeing her I realized it was one of those « participant » trophies.
    • What do you call exploding underwear? Fruit of the BOOM
    • Did you hear the Kleenex factory workers went on strike? Now everyone will have to picket
    • « CONSULTANT »: A man who knows 147 ways to make love, but doesn’t know any women!
    • How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand
    • What do you do with a dead chemist .
      You Barium.
    • How many calories does twerking get rid of?
      A butt load.
    • Is Snoop serious? Or is Snoop Lion?
    • « Crime of passion » is a phrase that drives me crazy. A man murdering his girlfriend is not a crime of passion. Premature ejaculation – that’s a crime of passion.
    • College is like a woman… You work so hard to get in, and nine months later you wish you’d never come.
    • The early bird get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
    • You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
    • Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.
    • Opportunity knocks once, if you hear a second knock it’s probably a Jehovah’s witness.
    • Men are like babies… when they get cranky, just shove a nipple in their mouth!
    • Don’t abuse marijuana… smoke it gently and carefully.
    • Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
    • Do you want to know Victoria’s Secret? Their lingerie doesn’t look the same on your wife as it does on their models.
    • I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you’ve never used it.
    • If I wanted someone like you as a friend, I’d buy a dog.
    • If they taxed intelligence, he’d get a hefty rebate.
    • With a face like yours, I’d be careful who & what I make fun of.
    • I had to take a train and two buses just to get on his good side
    • Your mother has two cunts and you’re on of them.
    • I don’t want you thinking he’s an alcoholic. He’s not. He can go hours without touching a drop.
    • He may be a vegetarian but he’s still full of baloney.

 

Funny One liner jokes

 

    • His teacher once told the class to make a family tree… so he went outside and got some leaves.
    • As for all your friends, they said you were out of this world. Oh, wait, I’m sorry – I meant wished.
    • A chicken farmer’s favorite car is a coupe.
    • I went to Cairo, but I don’t remember if I saw the river or not. I wonder if I am senile.
    • A plastic surgeon who specializes in breast implants is a front end manager.
    • When asked what it takes to be a great cook the chef said that it boils down to beating the other chefs to the cutting edge recipes.
    • He could speak so many dialects that he had to watch his language.
    • Since I’ve taken the job in The Everglades I’ve been swamped!
    • How many quarters does it take to play the new Lord of the Rings pinball game? None, It only takes Tolkiens.
    • The visitor was always the first to arrive because he did not want to be second guest by anyone.
    • Whitewater rafting guides get to work by taking rapid transit
    • Real estate agents believe in doing good deeds.
    • The stylist who did hair for a mortician said that her clients are from the hair after
    • People who get complimented on their hair usually let it go to their head.
    • The baseball pitcher’s retirement was at the end of a wonderful ERA.
    • When it came time to judge, the carpenter was floored by the panel.
    • The inventor of sandpaper had a rough time of it.
    • In the novel, there is an unexpected secret meeting of the lovers. It is a plot tryst.
    • Old philosophers never die, they just retire to their own premises.
    • Why was the orange sad? He had peelings for the apple.
    • I wanted to make something for breakfast, and toast was the first thing to pop into my head.
    • A roofer got arrested recently. He flashed a chimney.
    • In some places there is a lot of Manuel labor for every Juan.
    • MISSOURI asked me to borrow MISSISSIPPIS’s NEW JERSEY. I said ‘I don’t know – ALASKA’.
    • Johnny got his leg cut off in an accident. He’s walking it off now.
    • The longest sentence known to man: I do.
    • How did the sun know it was sick? It didn’t feel so hot
    • What is ABCDEFG? A Boy Can Do Everything For a Girl!
    • I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
    • An invisible man married an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at either.
    • A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but you mean your mother.
    • There was a paranoid dyslexic who always thought he was following someone.
    • It’s funny when people are telling you a story and you’re just thinking ‘lie lie lie’ but you go along with it anyway..
    • Man1: Your kid just looks like you.
      Man2: Shhh, not so loud. That’s the next door lady’s kid.
    • Two wrongs don’t make a right…
      …but two Wrights make an airplane.
    • Whoever said ‘nothing is impossible’ never tried to nail jell-o to a tree.
    • Treat a gamer like you would treat a tomato. Give them food and drink and don’t leave them in direct sunlight.
    • I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
    • He comes from a tightly knit family. His parents were very close. In fact, they were first cousins.
    • I’m dead ass,I will spit in your face
    • Broke people love to give you financial advice.
    • She once got stuck on a broken elevator.
    • If you’re sad about being alone on Valentine’s day, just remember… nobody loves you on the other days of the year either.
      I had to take a train and two buses just to get on his good side.
    • If brains were lard, he’d have to boil his bacon.
    • He doesn’t suffer from stress… mainly because he’s a carrier.
    • I wouldn’t say he’s ugly, but when he was born the doctor turned him over and said, Look, twins.
    • I don’t want to say he’s immature, but the man can cuss like a 10-year-old.
    • He’s not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
    • He believes in good hygiene. He goes to the dentist twice a year… one time for each tooth.
    • Why should a fish know its weight? Because it has scales!
    • Historians have extra-century perception.
    • Why did the boy put the snowball under his pillow? To dream about a winter wonderland!
    • Switching from alcohol to drugs is bad because you’ll be high and dry.
    • The inventor of the stove top was in his element.
    • Why was the groundhog depressed about his den? He was having a bad lair day!
    • I had to decide between making salad with my mom or playing catch with my dad, it was a toss-up.
    • A doorbell salesman joined the choir, and chimed right in.
    • One of the joys of being a lightweight is that commuting by wind is a breeze!
    • An argument over puppy selection is a pique of the litter.
    • An arrogant cheerleader has pompomposity.
    • When a guillotine executioner is layed off he gets severance.
    • Why not take a break in the south of France? You’ve nothing Toulouse.
    • Before the revolution, Russia was in a Tsary state.
    • Are you willing Tibet I’ve never seen a yak?
    • The jeweler pinned his hopes on broaching the argument first.
    • When he forgot to itemize what he wanted at the grocery store he felt quite listless.
    • When the rubber market bounced, it was latex news.
    • The man who bought too much graphing paper didn’t know where to draw the line.
    • Old pilots never die, they just get more turbulent.
    • Three fingers were willing to cooperate but the thumb and forefinger were opposed.
    • I kept failing to get a job as a butcher because I couldn’t just make the cut.
    • I saw this French movie on TV last night, I think it was about a few people who were less miserable than everybody else.
    • When I was a kid, my English teacher looked at me and said « Name two pronouns »..I said « Who, me »?
    • Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana. A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
    • The cannibal’s cookbook titled ‘How to Better Serve your Fellow Man’ was written by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.
    • I was going to tell you a joke about Iraq but Iran out of time…
    • Did you hear the Kleenex factory workers went on strike? Now everyone will have to picket

 

Best One liner jokes

 

    • If you can’t be nice, at least be vague.
    • Did I tell you the one about the airplane? Never mind it’s over your head.
    • Females always try to impress males by wearing hot dresses. But we are Impressed Only when They remove them.
    • What is the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After one year, the dog is still excited to see you.
    • Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regulary, and for the same reason.
    • Evening news is where they begib with ”Good evening”, and the proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
    • God must love stupid people. He made so many.
    • It’s not te fall that kills you: it’s the sudden stop at the end.
    • My thoughts today are like underwear. I don’t have any clean ones.
    • You know my father threw a camera at me once, I still have flashbacks.
    • Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground, because it’s hard to have fun when you might shit your pants at any minute.
    • If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.
    • Much can be achieved with a smile. Admittedly, much more can be achieved with a smile and a gun.
    • The BEST part of waking up? Hitting the snooze button and going back to sleep.

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