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Sex jokes

funny Sex JokesThose who want some laughter in their lives but in a dirty way should get started with the Sex jokes. These are the jokes that will make you laugh and cringe at the same time. You will be cringing at every line that you read but it would be hard for you to stop going on because the jokes are so funny.
In the Sex jokes, some of the funny moments have been described when two people share the bed. It can be the wrong size of the condom or some weird noises that your partner makes. So get ready to read some of the naughty and hot Sex jokes that will want you to bring it on. You can share these amazing jokes with your friends to make them laugh.

    • What’s good on pizza but not on Pussy?
      Crusty
    • Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
      For fingering a minor.
    • Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
      You can unscrew a lightbulb.
    • What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?
      The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
    • Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
    • Sex is like math, Add the bed, substract the clothes, divide the legs.. and pray to god you don’t multiply!
    • How does an Essex girl turn the light out after sex?
      She shuts the Cortina’s door.
    • What is the noisiest thing in the world?
      Two skeletons screwing on a tin roof.
    • What does an Essex girl do with her cunt after sex?
      She takes him down the pub.
    • You’re so old that « doing it three times a night » is how many times you get up to pee.
    • Why is David Beckham like a Ferrero Roche?
      They both come in a posh box.
    • Why does a sorority girl close her eyes during sex?
      So she can fantasize about shopping.
    • Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world… it’s an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast.
    • Sex is nobody’s business except for the three people involved.
    • How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex?
      Marry her.
    • What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
      No one to talk to during orgasm.
    • Do you know why it’s called sex?
      Because it’s easier to spell than Uhhhhh.. oooohh… Ahhhhhh…. AIIEEEEEEE
    • Sex is like a Ford Explorer. Going too fast may cause a roll-over injury.
    • Why do women fake orgasms?
      Because men fake foreplay.
    • It’s easy to find « Orgasm » in the dictionary. It’s between Foreplay and Snoring.
    • My kid had sex with your honor student.
    • I can post my entire sex video on Vine. Best seven seconds of my life.
    • I’d cried during sex sometimes.. I bet you would too if you got pepper sprayed in your eyes.
    • A young hooker uses Vaseline to get it in…an old one uses PolyGrip to keep it in.
    • A man will spend 15 minutes looking for a golf ball.
    • What do you call two skunks that are 69ing? Odor eaters
    • What did Chelsea say when Hillary asked if she had sex yet?
      « Not according to Dad. »
    • What did the egg say to the boiling water?
      It might take me awhile to get hard, I just got laid by this chick.
    • What do a burnt pizza, frozen beer, and a pregnant girl have in common?
      Someone didn’t pull it out in time.
    • What’s the difference between sex and golf?
      In golf one bad hole won’t kill you.
    • Why did God create alcohol?
      So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.
    • How about grabbing two of your friends so we can play a foursome?
    • What is the definition of the perfect wife?
      A mute nymphomaniac that owns a liquor store.
    • What’s another name for pickled bread?
      Dill-dough.
    • Why are guys calling information in Bangkok?
      To save money on phone sex!
    • What’s the speed limit of sex? [what?] 68. Because at 69 YOU have to turn around!
    • Hey baby, let’s play house, you can be the door and I’ll slam you all night long!
    • How do you piss your wife off when your having sex?
      You phone her up!
    • Man and his wife are fucking.
      Fifteen minutes pass, then 30 minutes, then 45 minutes. Sweat is pouring off the pair of them.
      The wife finally looks up and says, « What’s the matter darling, can’t you think of anyone else either? »
    • « That’s it Bill, » she screamed, « I’ve had it up to here. I’m cutting you off forever! »
      « Fat chance, » Bill replied, « You don’t even know where I’m getting it from! »

 

Dirty sex jokes

 

    • Why did the man put condoms on his ears during sex?
      He didn’t want to get hearing aids.
    • What do you call the sweat on two Wolverines having sex?
      Relative Humidity.
    • Why dont gardeners think about sex in the winter?
      Because summer is the time for bedding.
    • I remember as a boy playing hide-and-seek in the oven. Through a steamed-up door I heard my mother say: Youre getting warmer.
    • Did you hear the Ann Arbor high schools had to cancel sex education classes for the week?
      Drivers’ ed’ needed the car.
    • Why does Mike Tyson always cry after sex?
      Mace does that to you!
    • What’s the difference between parsley and pubic hair?
      Nothing. Push them both over and keep on eating.
    • Before sex, you help each other get naked.
      After sex, you only dress yourself.
      The Moral of the story:
      In life, no one helps you once you’ve been screwed.
    • Confucius say prostitute who likes bondage is usually strapped for cash.
    • Why dont women blink during foreplay?
      They dont have time.
    • Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells.
    • What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
      A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
    • What did the mafia and pussies have in common?
      One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.
    • What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
      Lick-a-lotta-puss.
    • What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
      If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.
    • Why did God give men penises?
      So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.
    • Why are men smarter during sex?
      Because during sex they’re plugged into a fucking know-it-all
    • Wife says to husband, « You make love like you decorate. »
      Husband replies, « What very slow and professional? »
      « NO, »she replies, « I have to finish the job myself. »
    • What’s the difference between an Essex girl and the titanic?
      You know how many men went down on the titanic.
    • What does an Essex girl say after having sex?
      What team do you guys play for?
    • One sperm says to the other, « How far is it to the ovaries? »
      The other one says, ‘Relax. We just passed the tonsils.’
    • What should you do if a girl sits on your hand?
      Try to get her off….
    • Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
    • What is the difference between sorority girls and hookers?
      Sorority girls cost less per score.
    • Sex is Evil,
      Evil is Sin,
      Sin is Forgiven,
      So Lets Begin
    • Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
    • Woman who come to bed wearing nothing but running shoes, wants to have marathon session.
    • Artificial insemination is procreation without recreation.
    • Masterbating is like cheating. It’s fun until you realize you are only screwing yourself.
    • If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on How To?
      I’m not saying that I’m losing my sex drive, but at my age, I’m envious of a stiff wind.
    • Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.
    • What did the Fort Worth girl say after sex?
      Get off me Dad, you’re crushing my smokes!
    • Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
    • Sex burns up 350 calories each time. Please help me, I’m on a diet.
    • How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
      She opens the car door.
    • While making love, he says:
      Darling, let’s do 68!
      68??? What’s that?
      You do it to me and I’ll owe you one.
    • What did the Indiana female say after sex?
      Get off me Dad, you’re crushing my smokes!
    • I’ve just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she’s moving during sex.
    • Two behaviouralists just finished having sex and one says to the other: it was good for you, was it good for me?
    • Why did Pee Wee Herman win the annual bass fishing contest?
      Experts say it’s because he was a master baiter.
    • Did you hear about the man who enjoyed having sex with fruit?
      Some people say he’s not too weird, but I still think he’s fucking bananas.
    • Did you hear about the man who enjoyed having sex with fruit?
      Some people say he’s not too weird, but I still think he’s fucking bananas.
    • What does a perverted frog say?
      Rubbit.
    • What do girls and camels have in common?
      They both have camel toes.
    • Let’s role play – I’ll be Osama you be a cave and I’ll hide up inside you.
    • I just popped a Viagra.
      So, we’ve got about 30 minutes to get back to your place.
    • What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
      A cherry float.
    • I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, but who’s to say it’s wrong if we sleep together?
    • If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?
    • What’s the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky’s mouth?
      U.S. leader
    • Sex without condom is magical…
      A baby appear and the father disappear
    • How does a married yuppie couple perform doggie style sex?
      He sits up and begs and she lies down and plays dead!
    • How do you get a woman off during sex?
      Push her!
    • The new husband and wife were in bed, when the husband says, « Honey, anytime you wake me up and want to have sex, you don’t have to say a word, just reach over and pull my dick a couple of times! »
      « And if I don’t want sex? » she said. « Then just pull it forty or fifty times instead! »
    • How do you tell if you have had a really good night of oral sex?
      You wake up with a lump in your throat and a string hanging out of your mouth! »
    • What is the definition of safe sex down in Texas?
      Placing signs on the animals that kick.
    • Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out of the delivery room after his wife gave birth to his son.
      Michael said, « How long before we can have sex? »
      The doctor replied, « At least wait until he is walking! »

 

Funny Sex jokes

 

    • Do you know why Michigan can’t have Driver’s Ed and Sex Ed on the same day?
      They only have one mule.
    • What has 90 balls and screws little old ladies?
      Bingo.
    • One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says « I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh. »
      The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
      A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, « Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too? »
    • Why don’t bunny rabbits make a noise when they are screwing?
      Because they have cotton balls!
    • Did you hear about the « morning after » pill for men?
      It changes your blood group.
    • Sex is like programming; One mistake, and YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
    • Why do women fake orgasms?
      Because they think we care!
    • What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
      Beat it. We’re closed.
    • What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?
      There are twenty of them.
    • What’s the difference between a Catholic pries and a zit?
      A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.
    • What’s the best part about gardening?
      Getting down and dirty with your hoes.
    • What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?
      Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your holes weak.
    • One day there was a girl having sex with a mexican dude and her mom walk in on them and her mom said wat r u doing havig sex with this mexican dude cause my teacher said I would get extra credit if I do an essay.
    • If you had sex with Freddie Mercury and got AIDS, would that be considered Mercury poisoning?
    • Why was the Essex girl depressed when she received her driver’s license?
      Because she got an F in sex.
    • I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
    • My wife could have had any man she pleased…she just couldn’t please any of them.
    • What is a sorority girl’s favorite sexual position?
      Facing Bloomingdale’s.
    • Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than them.
    • Why is a sorority girl like a door knob?
      ‘Cause everyone gets a turn.
    • How can you tell if a sorority girl’s a nymphomaniac?
      She’ll make love the same day she has her hair done.
    • Sex is like a rollercoster, when it’s good you want it to last for longer, when it’s bad you can’t wait to get off.
    • What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?
      A piece of ass that’ll bring a tear to your eye!
    • Why is food better than men?
      Because you don’t have to wait an hour for seconds.
    • Adidas stands for « All Day I Dream About Sex »
    • How do you get your wife to scream and groan when you’re having sex?
      Let her catch you doing it.
    • If you laid every woman of earth end to end… you’d probably have a really sore penis.
    • The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.
    • Asked my girlfriend if she rather wants to see skyfall or twilight
      ‘Let just stay home and have sex’
    • I think the sound of music would have improved with the sound of sex scenes.
    • What’s the difference between a golf ball and a clitoris?
    • What’s the height of conceit?
      Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
    • Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties? To find a tight seal.
    • Why are men smarter during sex? Because they have plugged into a know-it-all.
    • Why are men smarter during sex? Because they have plugged into a know-it-all.
    • Men think about sex every 7 seconds, which is why I eat hotdogs in under 6 seconds so it doesn’t get weird.
    • What do a burnt pizza, frozen beer, and a pregnant girl have in common? Someone didn’t pull it out in time.
    • Well, ye caught me, lass! Now I can grant ye one wish, as long as it involves sex.
    • What’s the difference between a blonde’s vagina and a cave?
      A couple of inches.
    • What does a good steak have in common with good sex?
      They’re both very rare.
    • I have a rare disease that will kill me unless I have sex within the next 30 minutes. Don’t let me die!
    • Why is sex like a thunderstorm?
      « You never know how many inches you’ll get and how long it’ll last. »
    • Bill staggered home at 4am, drunk and smelling of sex, only to find his wife waiting for him.
    • If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and your wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
      8 hours and 57 minutes – who cares what she wants!
    • What do black men do after sex?
      15 years to life.
    • Why do Michigan Wolverine fans like to have sex with the lights off?
      So it won’t run down the battery in the pickup.
    • What is the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After one year, the dog is still excited to see you.
    • Whats the biggest problem for an atheist?
      No one to talk to during orgasm.
    • I dont understand the fuss about same-sex marriages. Ive been married to my wife for 40 years, and we always have the same sex.
    • Man to wife on wedding night:
      « Are you sure I’m the first man you are
      sleeping with? »
      Wife:
      « Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others! »
    • Getting a chastity talk from nuns. Yes, please continue to tell me why sex is bad since you know from experience.
    • What two things in the air can make a woman pregnant?
      Her legs.
    • Why do the wives of cab drivers rarely get pregnant?
      Because cab drivers have a habit of pulling out unexpectedly.
    • Where does a bee keep his stinger?
      In his honey.

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